I can get so caught up in my dreams, inspirations, and the work. Even in destiny. I can get so caught up in that sticky spider web of my aspirations and intentions – so caught up that I lose sight of my nearest duty.
What do I mean by the nearest duty? My friend Thomas Waterhouse of Simple Encouragement describes a nearest duty as a smile or a touch. Or it could also be the act of simply being available to you by listening to you with my full attention.
My nearest duty – it could be any act of reaching out that speaks simply from my heart. Again, as Thomas explains, a nearest duty is something that says, “You’re not alone, I love you, I care.” And, more importantly, “How can I help you?”
Or “I’m sorry”.
In my heart, I am so sorry that I’ve let you down. I never meant to do you wrong.
Like Elton John sings, sorry seems to be the hardest word.
I know that I don’t say sorry often enough. And yet I have also said sorry so often that it now, perhaps, falls on deaf ears and a closing (or closed) heart.
I wish it didn’t happen like this. And yet for all my good intentions, I have harmed you. Even when I never meant to do you harm.
I think of all the stupid things I’ve said. All of the excuses that I’ve made. All the times that I was a million miles away from you. In the same room. And, sometimes, sitting beside you.
I think of all the stupid things I’ve done. I also think of all the little things I didn’t do for you. It’s a sad, sad situation. It’s a whole lot of trouble.
I need a million more second chances to fix this. It’s a whole lot of trouble, I know. But I hope you’ll give them to me. Not because I’m giving them to you. I hope you’ll give them to me because you really do love me – despite me.
Will you forgive me, again and again?
14 July 2011