Confessions of a freak-geek-misfit and time agent in exile. Faryna Podcast EP8.

Confessions of a freak-geek-misfit and time agent in exile.
by Stan Faryna

Warning:

This blog post and podcast includes adult language used in a sparing but strong manner. If you are offended by adult language, check out the other podcasts linked at the bottom of this blog post.

When we bring light to darkness, some things must be said. Otherwise, the light cannot penetrate.

Play the soundcloud player to hear the podcast. It sounds awesome with earphones or played on hi-fi speakers.

Mobile users: you should be able to hear the podcast here.

Stacey Herbert’s blog post on DIY Blogger NET inspired a dozen or more of heart-warming human stories from some of the most amazing bloggers out there. And it wasn’t just the blog posts that were awesome, the comments were often just as warming, just as inspiring, and – healing – as the blog posts.

Stacey writes about some of the #NA (NicheAmnesty) blog posts here. Her next step is to take this community building to the next level with NicheAmnesty.TV. You can also learn more here.

I enjoyed all of them.

I’d list and link everyone who participated, but that’s a job for Stacey and Dino Dogan. <grin> Actually, I want to keep this blog post shorter than the last, so please forgive me for not listing you – if you one of the #NA posters. I think you all are rockstars.

I want to talk about the #NA post that shook my heart. Marianne Worley’s Growing Up in the Cupboard Under the Stairs. The title is a reference to Harry Potter.

Marianne writes:

“If you’re familiar with the Harry Potter books and movies, you know that the orphaned Harry lived with his aunt, uncle, and cousin (the Dursleys) for the first 10 years of his life. He was relegated to the cupboard under the stairs until he found out he was a wizard—a most unusual boy indeed.

Like Harry, I’m a most unusual girl.”

Like Marianne and Harry, I’m a most unusual person. Like Marianne, it seems I am a Muggle – regardless of all the evidence to the contrary.

Marianne always felt different and it was a painful for her to feel so different – especially as a child. I can only suppose that she has negotiated some terms of peace with this discrepancy. Because, for example, Marianne brings unusual integrity to her blogging. Yet, she still must ache. Marianne still must feel different. Otherwise, she would not have brought this gift to the table. Not now.

Quoting the Desiderata, my first or second comment to Marianne was that she has a right to be here – just as the trees and the stars. But I kept going back to her blog post. And I didn’t know why. Of course, I was subscribed to the post and I was getting noticed every time a new comment would be added. But, the thing is, I don’t usually follow the comments of a blog post. Yes, shame on me! <grin> But I couldn’t help myself this time.

And, at last, I found myself making a comment that surprised me. And if someone hadn’t interrupted me at my laptop, I would not have pushed the button to send the comment. The comment was made and there it was. And the typos screamed to the whole wide world that I had just tripped over some serious luggage. And I’m not talking about Louis Vuitton. <grin>

I also feel different. A misfit. A trouble maker. In some ways, a prodigal and negligent son. In fact, I just found out recently that I am an illegal alien. But how shall I leave my son behind – especially – in the third world?

Beyond this, I am different on so many levels. I have always been so.

Through Marianne’s blog post, I have become aware of how much I have done to disguise that difference – not to mention the many passionate negotiations to be a creative, productive, and responsible member of society. I have negotiated as much of the gap between myself and society as I possibly could. I believe the latter is growing up. The former, self-deception.

I have restrained passions, negotiated aspirations, and kept secret my intimate visions and the knowledge of things that others could merely hope to believe. Again, some of that is about growing up. But I cannot avoid that there was also – oh so much… self-defeat.

Parents are silly

I remember at age ten, watching my father set fire to my prize-winning drawings along with everything else I had ever drawn. In a steel drum – outside the house. He wanted to put an end to this misapplication of my time. After all, wasn’t there firewood that needed to be chopped? Or other home or farm chores that I was never finishing to the satisfaction of his schedule.

Ironically, the best mother in the world, my mom, told me at 18 that if I accepted a scholarship to study art in college – that I would grow up to become a poor artist. More importantly, I would do so – without a mother. Period.

But I cannot blame my mother or father for my failure to become an artist later on in life. And I can – also appreciate that the artist in me came to be expressed by other means: writing, thinking, and, perhaps, even prayer. Thus I was made stronger through many gifts. Nor should I fail to mention that I have enjoyed the satisfaction of commissioning artists and craftsmen to produce my various industrial designs and artistic aspirations for oil and sculpture.

Some things are as unavoidable as they are inevitable. What is meant to be will be. One way or another. Period. <smile>

Kids are silly

As I mentioned in my comment to Marianne, I am the product of a mixed race marriage. My father is American. My mother is Korean. I grew up (mostly) in Northern Virginia –it’s not quite the good ole South today but the 70s was challenging by many accounts. Getting off the school bus on the first day of first grade sucked. I found out that I was a “gook” and I got pelted with a dozen eggs. It wasn’t that last time I would be egged either.

I spent at least half of elementary school in the corner of a classroom with a paper cone for a hat. On it was written, Dunce. Because I was an emotional case. I kicked the ass of any kid that called me gook or made an asian-related insult- regardless of age, size, or sex.

Years later, I would find myself on the family dairy farm in upstate New York. My mixed heritage wasn’t quite as intelligible to them. Anyway, they thought I looked Mexican. I got the nickname, Chico, and that started a whole new war. One city boy against a lot of farm boys. And it took some time, some defeat, and pain before I could whoop farm boy ass. Even when I was better matched (from all those chores of course), I didn’t always win. Or win the minimum respect I fought for.

As I mentioned in my comment to Marianne, I didn’t have a fighting spirit. Actually, I was shy and sensitive. I was soft spoken and loyal. I day-dreamed. I was an artist, a poet, and an aspiring writer – even at a young age. Fighting was what I had to do- after patience and gentleness would prove futile every time.

Adulthood is silly

My first paying job in politics was so hard that after work I went to church and had at least a 15 minute, loud cry before coming home. Every day! Then I got home and did more work. I worked 16 to 20 hours per day for slightly above minimum wage. My boss hated me!

Amy Moritz told Shirley Temple to take a flying fuck when Shirley wanted to help out in the presidential election of Ronald Reagan. So you can almost imagine what kind of troll she is – God bless her.

Ok- I won’t get into the almost daily humiliations and compromises of conscience I had to negotiate at that office. But I wrongly assumed that the problem was mostly mine. Because I was different. Because I cared about what I was doing. After all I was naïve , i.e., I was doing it for the right reasons.

Fast forward. In the better course of my career as an entreprenuer, two major institutions stole software that I had licensed to them – software that was created by me or by my companies. Software worth tens of millions of dollars. And those assholes grinned from behind the best lawyers that money could buy.

Initially, I blamed myself. Because may be there was something wrong about me. Because I was different.

But you know what. stealing is stealing. It’s that simple. And the idea that stealing is fundamentally wrong and misanthropic… has been around for a long, long time.

So fuck you, Roy Willis of the Propane Education and Research Council (PERC). You fucked up a lot of people and families under my care. May God rebuke you – if you fail to make full and sincere amends.

And fuck you, Stuart Flatow, Vice President of PERC. With all that pot you were smoking on that fat paycheck, you should have been a good guy – not a long-tongue… liar and greasy backbiter.

Today, it feels very good to be different. To be honest. To speak from the heart. Even if on occasion – from the dark side of my heart.

I am silly

All that pain and disappointment (and from many other undisclosed events) has opened my heart to others – opened it in ways that would not be opened otherwise. Those things all had to be. They had to happen to me… for me to become more truly me.

And, more importantly, it has not always been “the them” that has forced me to painfully come to awareness and understanding of me. Because I have harmed myself, lied to myself, and broken my own heart. Yes, there are things for which I can not forgive myself.

Like Roy hopes when he goes down on his knees in search of forgiveness, I hope that God can work it out for me because I cannot man up to some things too.

I was seven or eight and I didn’t buy a flower from an elderly gypsy lady in downtown Atlanta. It was raining. She was sick. I had the dollar in my pocket, but I wanted to keep it for myself. I tried to get my mother and father to buy a flower, but they didn’t agree. Once in the car and the car was moving, I realized that I had no heart. And I wept bitterly.

For hours. But it may have even been days. It was the beginning of my moral conscience and a profound compassion for the world. But if only I could be healed. If only I could find that woman and make it right. My universe would not be forever broken. By me.

Are we different? Really?

I understand beyond any doubt that we are not different. Each of us is true or untrue to our perfect form. Among other wonderful things, there is a true solidarity in that perfect form. We are connected at the level of our design. We are here and we exist for each other.

I know this is too much information.

We discover our true form, little by little, more or less, some faster than others -together in love, in service to each other, and in giving to each other. We discover our true ourselves and each other – in love, in sharing, and lifting each other up. In leading and following. In making a difference. In making this a world of we.

It’s happening right now. I almost can’t believe it. And I am in awe that it is happening- despite me. Despite our so-called differences. Despite all our pride in our false sense of self.

The Noosphere is forming through the internet. Through social media, the social web, and the semantic web. The soft glorious bloom of the Omega Point can be seen upon the horizon.

It is evidenced in the yearning of servant hearts like Nisha Varghese – a South African woman unable to walk and barely able to use one hand, who makes sandwiches for the poor and raises funding for clean water projects.

It is evidenced in the yearning of servant leaders like Dr. Jack King – a retired military officer who tirelessly reminds us that leadership is not about power, popularity or force. It is about love and service and giving.

It is evidenced in the yearning of a meek house wife and mommy like Bonnie Squires – a mother of eight, who is challenged in many ways but has a heart big enough for the whole wide world.

This too is something that only the heart can see. The human heart. Can you see it?

Are you trying to see it?

Stan Faryna
8 August 2011
Bucharest, Romania

Faryna Podcasts recently produced by Adrian Klein:

1. Why do I blog: Faryna Podcast EP1
http://wp.me/pbg0R-kX

2. If Tomorrow Was Your Last Day: Faryna Podcast EP2

http://wp.me/pbg0R-la

3. Money Can’t Buy Happiness: Faryna Podcast EP3

http://wp.me/pbg0R-lv

4. The First Duty of Love is to Listen: Faryna Podcast EP4
http://wp.me/pbg0R-lO

5. Are You Ready for Love? Faryna Podcast EP5
http://wp.me/pbg0R-lX

6. Reading The Desiderata. Faryna Podcast EP6
http://wp.me/pbg0R-mr

7. What is Love? Faryna Podcast EP7
http://wp.me/pbg0R-mw

Note: If you want to make a professional podcast out of your blog post, get in touch with Adrian Klein on Twitter or Facebook.

Faryna Podcast EP8 Information
Confessions of a freak-geek-misfit and time agent in exile by Stan Faryna. ©2011 Some Rights Reserved.
Produced by Adrian Klein. http://www.adrianklein.co.uk
Music by Adrian Klein. All Rights Reserved.
Friend and female vocalist: Ana Bancescu

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40 Responses to Confessions of a freak-geek-misfit and time agent in exile. Faryna Podcast EP8.

  1. Stan! this is hauntingly beautiful and, as always, SO well expressed. It’s like a poem put to music! I LOVED it.
    I’m trying to see it Stan. I really think I DO! :-)
    Lori

  2. adrianklein says:

    Thank you dude for sharing this awesome experience with the world. I love pressing record for you. Cool way to travel in time. Your stories are so beautiful. Thank you for everything, you’re a true rockstar!

  3. Stan, I can imagine that you were different as a baby, an toddler, a 8 yrs old, a teenager, and now as a man. There is something incredibly unusual about you. From the way you articulate yourselfand never cease to amaze or surprise, to the things you reveal like Lori said…’in a poetic way’…that makes times stand still and ensures you get sucked into Stan’s vortex and start dreaming and thinking in techni-colour and in new ways.
    I remember reading your comment on Marianne’s post..I think it was where I found out a bit about your heritage, part Korean right? My heart grieved a little when you recounted the story of your drawings being burnt in a barrel…it’s funny the stories and memories that remain with us into our adulthood. Thanks for including #NicheAmnesty and myself within this great article

    • Stan Faryna says:

      Big hug to you, Stacey.

      Speaking about Techni-colour, If you have earphones, listen to my podcasts with ear phones. Adrian does amazing sound work.

      Oh – I’m sorry that I haven’t got around to contributing to Amnesty TV, but I have every intention of doing so. Soon.

      Stacey, I do appreciate you!

      Yeah, It is interesting the stories and memories that remain with us across the years. Of course, childhood wasn’t all bad. I laughed, I wondered, and I got into all sorts of trouble (most of which went unpunished). [grin]

      By high school, heritage and race wasn’t an issue. The world was changing. More people from everywhere in the world were becoming more visible in American society. At least, in the big cities.

      It also turned out that my heritage came with some cute trivia. On the American side, I have 12 ancestors that fought in the American Revolution. Of course, I had no problem throwing that in people’s faces – if my ethnicity came into question. But the royal flush up my sleeve was that on the Korean side, I am a semi-direct descendant of kings and emperors with a family history book that’s about 2000 years old.

      The latter trivia served me well in high school and college with the hotties. Because I am prince charming – in fact. [laughing]

  4. Honest and transparent as usual!

    Gotta give credit to you and Adrian Klein for the excellent podcasts you put together. They’re very well produced!

    I’m more and more interested in multimedia (videos in particular) – I’m gonna approach Adrian for some video music tracks.

    Thank you for a great piece!

    • Stan Faryna says:

      Yo Constantin! I appreciate you and how you keep coming back for more.

      How do you really feel about me and my podcasts? This kind of auto-biography, transparency, and honesty is just so counter-cultural within the Romanian context. I’m just starting to get feedback from some of my Romanian friends and other Romanians that have done business with me. And the feedback is not pretty.

      Some are wondering if I lost my mind. Of course, they don’t say it directly. But they speak about this with others. Of course, it all comes back to me.

      What do you think? Am I a force for good or evil in Romanian society and culture?

  5. Such a powerful and touching article. Stan, I’m sorry you had to endure such emotional turmoil, but sometimes the sharpest tools carve the most beautiful art. Thanks for channeling your pain into writing instead of anger and sharing your horrific experiences with us.

    • Stan Faryna says:

      Big hug to you Carolyn!

      I appreciate you.

      I sometimes wonder for what purpose destiny has demanded that I receive considerable depth of self-knowledge, empathy, conscience, sympathy, and certain judgment about the human person, our dignity, and the ways of the world. [grin]

      Perhaps, other gifts too. Not being particularly intelligent and clever, I suppose that I had to get there – hard, fast, and, yes, even by a baptism of fire.

      Yet the answer remains hidden to me. But I remain hopeful that the answer is beautiful.

  6. Stan,
    Hello, my dear friend. You are sincerely the voice of my soul. You have such blessed gifts and I thank God that He led you here, to us.

    “All that pain and disappointment (and from many other undisclosed events) has opened my heart to others – opened it in ways that would not be opened otherwise. Those things all had to be. They had to happen to me… for me to become more truly me.

    And, more importantly, it has not always been “the them” that has forced me to painfully come to awareness and understanding of me. Because I have harmed myself, lied to myself, and broken my own heart. Yes, there are things for which I can not forgive myself.”

    It takes such a long and painful time, for some of us, to become who He wants us to be, to be ready to hear Him. You keep your baby close and remember how we value you. The gift you have brought into my life is the voice I hear as I read your posts. Mostly, I read them over and over and try to find a moment of absolute peace and utter silence (not easy to come by here!) and read the post one more time, word by word, absorbing every wave, stroke or lash.

    ~Thank you for sharing such insight to your heart and soul.
    ~Amber-Lee

    • Stan Faryna says:

      Big hug to you Amber-Lee. I do so appreciate you.

      I have to confess that Adi had to push uphill to do the podcasts. I don’t admire the sound of my voice. But I do like how the podcasts have helped me connect more deeply with friends such as you.

      Without friends like you – overflowing in kindness, encouragement, and heart-lifting words – I don’t imagine that I would have dared to embark upon these confessions.

  7. So sorry I’m bit late Stan. I didn’t get your tweet until this morning when I updated a stream. My apologies.

    I have to tell you, this post/podcast is nothing short of amazing. You’ve taught me something more valuable than you can know: self-acceptance. And I will always truly appreciate that. Always.

    • Stan Faryna says:

      Big hug to you Marianne!

      You are amazing! You are loveable. We need you. We can’t be – without you being you.

      I appreciate you.

  8. Stan Faryna says:

    Feel free to leave a hyperlink and the blog post title to your recent blog post. Hopefully, with a comment. [grin] I don’t have any issues with polite self-promotion in the comments. Actually, I encourage it. And, just maybe, I’ll come visit.

  9. bonnie67 says:

    Hi Stan

    I’ve come back and read this several times and listen to
    the podcast. There nothing wrong with your voice. I didn’t
    post early because I’m not to sure what to say. This is so
    different from the man I met 4 years ago. You have open
    your heart so much in the last year. I’m glad to know and met
    you there no one like you in my book.

    I’m not sure how much you know that I appreciate you.
    I guess we both have done some growing up in the last
    4 years. Open up our hearts and really found out about
    our self’s.

    Awesome and amazing blog post and pod cast.

    adrian did an amazing job on the pod cast.

    Thanks to both of you
    Bonnie Squires

  10. [...] I came to a better understanding, deeper empathy, and thankfulness for him. Go and listen to it here. Though I have known him for four years, his recent podcasts have made him more dear, real, and [...]

  11. Stan, aloha. Thank heavens that Bonnie included a link to this in a post she wrote and added to her comment on my current post. Had she not, I might have missed it.

    Stan, this is positively magnificent. Knowing some of your past helps me to appreciate even more where you are. In the short time I have known you, I have knew your depths were great and your passions high.

    Your capacity for forgiveness and understanding is amazing.

    Stan, I am so glad that you have, at last, realized the “fault” is not you. You are magnificent.

    Thank you for your courage in so freely sharing and for your beautiful expression of your thoughts.

    Wishing you a week filled with all good things. Until next time, aloha. Janet

  12. [...] came to know about Nisha through my friend Stan Faryna. He has donated hundreds of dollars to Nisha’s project. You can see his donations in the list of [...]

  13. [...] Confessions of a freak-geek-misfit and time agent in exile. Faryna Podcast EP8. [...]

  14. [...] Confessions of a freak-geek-misfit and time agent in exile. Faryna Podcast EP8. [...]

  15. Hey Stan,

    I remember Marianne’s post as well and was surprised I guess to learn more things about her. I’m really glad that Stacey came up with that idea and was thrilled to be a small part of that as well. Sure met a lot of amazing people through this.

    Wow, thanks for sharing that with us and as everyone has already said, in such a poetic way.

    I hate that you had to go through some of the things you did as a kid but it’s made you into the man you are today so for that we all have to be grateful even in some small way. Some of the experiences I’ve gone through I’m still trying to figure out what lesson I was suppose to learn from it. Maybe I’ll never know and it was just to help shape me into who I am today. Guess I’l have to accept that and just move on.

    Thanks for opening up more and being so vulnerable for us. I’ve learned quite a bit about you, a little more each time I read some of your pots. So thanks for that.

    Here’s wishing you a wonderful week ahead.

    Adrienne

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  26. progenix says:

    progenix…

    [...]Confessions of a freak-geek-misfit and time agent in exile. Faryna Podcast EP8. « The unofficial blog of Stan Faryna[...]…

  27. Stan, what can I say?
    Your beautiful, can I say that? I mean it too!
    Well…
    I had my art torn from me as a kid by a ‘teacher?’ I add this link to give you an idea of things then too. http://social-tango.com/the-autumn-poem-scandal/
    I faced bullying from three cousins for a couple of years. I was beaten, kicked, punched and throttled… because? Because I was different. Girls liked me, and grown up people talked to me. I had travelled…
    I looked through the looking glass for years and came back to the real world through one book: The Bible.
    I had ‘things’ stolen from me too, but I fought back with my mind and my voice.
    As I write this I know that we would so enjoy the quiet places, beside the little villages and alleys of the small towns, because it is not about the activity but the friends and the choices to be made.
    I downloaded this to remind of the highnotes and the lownotes they compliment each other; but they belong to each of us as they come to us, designed and designated for one.

  28. philippine forum…

    [...]Confessions of a freak-geek-misfit and time agent in exile. Faryna Podcast EP8. « The unofficial blog of Stan Faryna[...]…

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